All You Care About Is Yourself... [19 Jan 2003|08:01am] [ mood | guilty ] “No…” “But, My Lord, you’re not even listening to what I have to say…” “Because I know that what you have to say is foolish, so again, no…” This had been the conversation the entire night (or more accurately, the entire week). There has not been a day that goes by where she and I are not arguing about her fighting in this war that was sure to come very soon. Vorladien pleaded with me, begged, tried to reason with me to somehow change my mind but I would have nothing of it. We stood in our chamber, the door closed so that no one could hear us. Outside, the lingering evening dragged peacefully, as if trying to counter the fact that the tension and hostility between my love and I was growing. Fighting with her was the last thing I wanted to do, but she left me no choice. There were many things working against me, it seemed. Vorladien, as could be expected grows more and more irritable and confrontational and she is infinitely aware she cannot do as much as she normally would. I have tried to keep peace, I have struggled to not push her more than I should, because it will harm her our children if I do… But this time… “Legolas, you are beginning to sound like my father…” she continued again, as she dragged herself from the bed and over to me. I shook my head, trying to conceal the fact that I was getting angrier and angrier. “Good.” I hissed. “Maybe then you would listen to me…” “I can do this, melamin.” “No… you can’t…” She stood behind me then, her arms wrapping around my waist in a manner that I learned that week was to try and get me to agree or change my mind. However, her gigantic belly made it nearly impossible for her to make it all the way around so she kept her hands on my hips and kissed my shoulder blades. “Why do you have such little faith in my, My Love….” She whispered. I turned around to meet her eyes, my face washed over with shock and disgust. “Little faith?? Vorladien, you are pregnant and even now, if you had the child, who would take care of it? Your mother? Your cousins? It is not their responsibility, it is ours! I will let you leave them alone without at least you. They need you… I need you to make sure that they have you… Because they might not have me…” Her face sunk in sadness, eyes darkening in anger. “You just want to keep me in, Legolas, hold me back like my family did for so long! You are no different than them! How dare you thi—“ That was it… “LISTEN TO YOURSELF!” I bellowed, interrupting her. I have never yelled in my life and I couldn’t believe that I was yelling then, but I also couldn’t believe what she said to me. “YOU HAVE GONE BEYOND CARING ABOUT OR FOR OUR CHILDREN AND HAVE ADVANCED TO ONLY CARING ABOUT YOURSELF! THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME NOT LETTING YOU FIGHT, IT IS ABOUT YOU PROVING YOURSELF TO HALDIR AND YOUR FATHER THAT YOU ARE NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE!” She said nothing… her eyes welled up with tears as she began to cry, sobbing silently in front of me. However, I didn’t touch her, I did not try and console her. I felt so cold then, hateful…. I felt like my father… “If you want to fight, then fight, but then you will have nothing to do with me, for you will kill our children, you will kill yourself, and you will kill me as well…” With that, I turned and walked briskly from the room, the heavy door opening and slamming behind me as I left my only love, broken and hurt, in the dark corridors of our room. ~*~ I stayed away from Vorladien for the rest of the evening. I felt so ashamed of my behavior, of how I let myself yell and callously ignore her sobs. I sat at the Northwest border, looking up into the sky at the wind blowing from the Misty Mountains, but it laid no peace on my mind. How could I do that? Inside my head I kept hearing a voice, a low guttural voice hissing into my mind. You don’t love her. You don’t love your children. You will leave them both and get yourself killed. You will leave her alone. In my heart I knew that none of this was true, that there was no possible way that I all of a sudden I would lose love for the very woman I would die for, but I could not help but feel so guilty. All I wanted was for her to be safe, but I also want her to be happy. Maybe I shouldn’t fight either… How can I not fight, it is my father… I just don’t want her to be alone… “Legolas?” I suddenly heard behind me. It was Arwen, dressed in her gowns, a cloak wrapped around her body. “I heard the yelling…” she got silent and came behind me, standing over my body like a statue. “I do not wish to speak of it, Undomiel. Just leave me be…” She moved up beside me, her head resting on my shoulder. “I went to talk to her. She was not crying because she was hurt, she was crying because you were right. She still wishes to fight, but she also wishes for the safety of her family.” I looked over to her. Her dark brown hair, fell over my back, mingling with the golden in my own. Her eyes met with mine and for a moment things got very silent. “…what else did she say, Undomiel?” “Well, she said that she loves you more than life and the thought of losing you would be devastating. And she said that she has less than half a season left before the children are born and she needs you there for her.” I blinked. “Less than half? But, that’s nothing but a couple more weeks!” She nodded, nestling close to me like a child hugging its mother. “I know… She can feel the children moving inside of her more and more. They are restless… They want to get out….” I saw her smile as she hugged me close. “She will be fine, Legolas and so will you…” Kissing her forehead, I smiled to myself, my heavy heart lifting happily as we sat under the moon. “I know, Arwen…. Everything will be fine…” post comment

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